How to have fun when there's no fun to be had

"Stop saying the word 'breaks', I hate it and I don't know what it means" -Alex

After not knowing what breaks was, to realising that I liked breaks, then to deciding that I hated breaks, I came to the conclusion that I only really stopped liking breaks because certain MCs were trying too hard to get me excited and get the crowd pumped.

If you want to get Svet excited give her a box of jelly paddle pops or a hug, not a buff fake-tanned loserwith a Kangol hat pulled over his eyes. How did this man see? I do not know, but I wished he'd fallen off the stage last Fri night, at In The Mix Is Six (Brown Alley)

I actually had a pretty fun evening at Melbourne's disgustingly dingey Brown Alley. This thing called breaks turned out to be quite pleasing, although at times too hip hoppy or too something else.

The first thing I'm going to complain about is the toilets becasue there aren't nearly enough. And by 'toilets' I don't actually mean the toilet units themselves but the cubicles around them. People don't need toilets as much they need a booth to do their drugs in.This is why there was such a hold up on friday in the Ladies. I reccomend that Brown Alley install empty booths for drug takers. It would be about as subtle as the shitloads of free gum they were handing out that night. Speaking of which, the gum pushers were promoting Eclipse gum (that by the way is disgusting, stick to Extra) in these teeny tight white teeshirts with suggestive slogans on them. Like "take a couple home tonight" and so forth. When I was approached by one of the gum pushers, a buff blonde guy with a plastic smile and cold, dumb eyes I asked him if he felt uncomfortable wearing the shirt that he was made too, whether he felt objectified at all. He didn't get it, he just wanted me to take more gum! more gum!

I think I would have to thank something called a blue incredible for my excellent fun times because when I look back at the series of events they're really UN-fun...

First, a guy drops his entire drink on me from a balcony, a friend of mine also caught some of the blow. We were soaked but we didn't let it get to us too much.

Then...
On the dance floor this psycho guy was bashing everyone as he danced. His specialty moves were thrusting his hips and headbanging while flailing arms wildly. I laughed hysterically when I realised it was the very same guy that was aggrivating punters at Bimbos a couple of weeks ago. He was only small so I'm surprised somebody hasn't bashed him to death yet, we can only hope. The stranger thing still was that he actually hooked up later on! He was making out with this gross girl and his make out style was pretty much the same as his dancing style; he looked like a hyena mauling her face.

And then...
This wasted couple kept falling into me while they tried to balance dancing, dry humping and conciousness. Then the guy started groping me, his hand up my shirt. I yelled "I'm not your girlfriend! She's over there!" He freaked out once he realised he'd been grabbing a stranger and apologised frantically while his girlfriend laughed her head off.

And finally...
I saw this girl looking shit, so i went over and held her up while her friend went and got a bucket. The sick girl caught a glimpse of the bucket but completel y missed it hurling yellow vomit all over my left leg. Even after the bar staff had finished hosing me off out the back I found my mood untainted. I was having a great time. Go Blue Incredibles you cannot fail!