Svet's awesome guide to
Earthcore
and how to get from
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In the beginning.... we waited in a long, dusty line of cars and dirty hippies while security meticulously searched the contents of the festival-freak's boots and eskys. This is about where I started to hyperventilate and wonder if I would spend the weekend marking my numbered days into my prison cell wall. However things worked out ok; they slapped funky shiny wristbands on us and waved us on. Phew. 
After setting up our camp which can only be described as 'painfully modest' we looked around us and saw what everybody elses camp looked like... big open shady numbers with vividly coloured sarongs and crazy coloured flags with Zen scriptures and persian rugs and incense and gigantic bongs and... and... and! Well basically ours sucked.
Svet's first rule for Earthcore: Unlearn anything that you ever thought you knew about dancing. It's best this way trust me. Most styles of dancing are exempt however I did mange to pinpoint a few specific "earthcore specialties" that seemed to be quite popular...
The first, I like to call the Neanderthal Romp-stomp: Bend your knees and stomp your feet in a kind of squatting dance while waving your arms furiously in any direction as long as its outwards. The stages outside are floored in sand so this adds an even more tribal effect to your romp as the dust flies up and settles in your mangey dreadlocks. Imagine youre one of those monkeys from '2001 A Space Odessey' and let loose, dislocate something if you feel the need.
Another popular earthcore dance is the Tribal Sacrifice Honor Dance it's a good idea to be on something like Ketamine with this baby so you can acheive that "higher connection" with God or other godly phenomena. Similarily to the Neanderthal Romp-stomp, bent knees and a kind of ape-like hunch is required. However the Tribal Sacrifice Honor Dance isn't nearly as aggresive as its primal partner. Instead of fighting the earth, be one with it. You should feel highly spiritual and have a look of intense concentration on your face like youre doing something waaay important. Let yourself drift away into euphoria, and I'm not talking about the Calvin Klein fragrance, you should smell like shit if anything. If you have no idea what I'm saying then I'm sorry you haven't taken nearly enough drugs.
Yes, drugs are a vital part in enjoying the Earthcore festival. The only ones excused from loading their bodies with chemicals are those who are suffering from permanent psychosis or delusions as a result of long-term drug abuse. Hell those guys don't need anymore help, theyre stuck in the zone.
This brings me to my final dancing style, The Vacant Stare: First get off your face and I don't mean just high, I mean like "Am-I-really-here-or-am-I-just-imaginging-myself-here-and-did-I-just-say-that-out-loud?" off your face. Particiants of this dance have beautifully glassy eyes and that far-away look. Most of the ones I saw weren't even at the stages at all, they were wandering like zombies all on their lonesome. You need to look a little bit frightened but too apathetic to panic and walk with your mouth drooping open without blinking. If you happen to wander into a stage crowd then sway side to side with whatever rythym you can muster and feel awesome.
Svet;s second rule for Earthcore is...HELP PEOPLE! It's always nice to help people but at earthcore its a must because you never know how many spare friends you'll need when your others get lost or die or something.
I helped this guy who was frantically crawling at a tree trunk. I asked him what he was doing and he said he wanted to get into the tree. So i boosted him up and there he sat in the gum tree. I don't know how he got down or if he ever did but I felt glad that I was able to lend my assistance.
I helped this girl who looked really hot by pouring my bottle of water over her. I don't think she knew what was happening but I'm sure she was loving it.
I also helped this guy waiting for Regurgitator to come on to finish his joint. Ah, the helping never stops.
Svet's third rule for Earthcore is: Make people help you! This is per
haps the most important
If you need to vent to a complete stranger about your personal life then do it, thats why theyre there. If you need to obtain personal info from a stranger then you have every right to do so.
If you need hugs then go get them.
Play swaps with new and interesting chemicals and hats/ears (see above picture).
If you don't like your own tent then find someone with a much snazzier one and steal their's. Seb and I ddnt get any sleep until we found oursleves in some random guys tent with no memory of how we came to sleep there. (Fortunatley the random guy didnt turn out to be a serial killer, his name was Stu and he was quite hospitable)
If you don't want to get your feet dirty from muddy puddles then make friends with Toby the security guard and make him carry you everywhere. (True story, best security staff I have ever experienced)
Svet's fourth rule is make sexy and wonderful friends!
Ok enough with the rules, I'm changing to "tips" now, it has more of a ring to it.
Important and useful tips include...
- If someone on acid asks you to follow them into the dark woods without a torch to find their tent then you should set aside a good couple of hours.
- Jumping castles are awesome
- Do NOT attempt to purchase a burrito from 'Trippy Taco' whilst on acid. The menu makes no sense and the wait takes FOREVER (acid makes time go sllllloooooooowwwwww) And the burrito swirls and looks scary so you will end up throwing it under some stairs in order to escape it.
- Dirty dancing is only cool if the guy can actually SEE where your body ends and your aura begins.
- Its ok if its free
- Don't ask for "normal" chai instead of soy chai at the Sacred Cow Cafe, they get mad
It's lets quote Seb time! "It was good you talking to me before Svet, because when you weren't talking to me I was imagining that you were, and you were saying mean things"
"Hide our jackets! The cops will see them!"
"I've figured out ANOTHER conspiracy"
"It's poison and we're all going to die, I saw it in the future!"
Well I could go on about Earthcore forever but that would be like waiting in line for a Burrito on acid. So I'll wrap it all up now and leave you with my formulae for (chemical) success....
Take some acid early on (because you might want to be rid of it before you drive home) with people who don't mind cradling you in their arms, then drop some e just to make sure the trip doesn't go sinister (see Seb's conspiracy moments). By the time this all kicks in you will feel like dancing but your feet just won't co-operate like theyre sinking into the floor of Circus Bisirkus (yes thats a real place) so pep up with some ice. Yes Dad, your little girl IS looking after herself. (I'm quoting the Lean Cuisine ad, that didn't just come out of nowhere)
Acid makes time go slow, Biccies make time go fast and ice makes me go fast so where does that leave your Svet? Nobody knows... 
And to those lovely friends Seb and I met (you know who you are) lets go out and get fucked up together again! We'll make our OWN Earthcore! Like in my backyard with a boombox and a few torches, it'll be just like old times.
P.S. This is me and Benjimen who I met lying slumped next to the jumping castle. I want to bring him home to meet my mum, he is awesome to the max!
