Dear Neighbour

What was said....

Dear Neighbour,

I write to you because I have been unable to sleep recently due to the light and noise coming from your house. I’m sure you’re unaware but the fluorescent light which you leave on till the early hours of the morning is so powerful that it streams through my blind so that my room is completely illuminated.

Then when you have guests/family etc. coming and going they talk in very loud voices which carry a lot further than you may realise. Last night people were leaving and talking extremely loudly on your porch at midnight, it took me two hours to get to sleep.

I wonder if you could please avoid keeping your fluorescent light on all night and keep your voices down outside my window after 10pm. I’m sure you understand the situation, and if there is anything I can do to help you please don’t hesitate to ask.

Thank you,

What I really wanted to say,

Dear fucktards who I'm cursed to living next until I scrape up the cash to move as far away from you as possible,

Congratulations you have succeeded in making my life just that little bit harder once again. I know you Greeks love things to be big and excessive but is a fog-light outside your window necessary? Not to mention a bigger satellite than the NASA space program and enough concrete to pave Federation Square twice over (which might be an improvement actually).

I know you love your family, but I don't...at all. So keep their booming voices out of my head when the pour out of your door at 12am on school nights. I hear you can get really efficient ball gags from sex shops these days, it might be worth looking into.

Also when the crazy grandmother of your household starts cursing and yelling in the middle of the night maybe you could feed her to your canaries, just a thought.

If there's anything I can do besides removing my own eyes and ears please don't hesitate to ask.

From Svetlana, at number 57.