If you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my PC

No post for a while you say? Well I say you'll have no face for a while if you keep whining!

Hello and welcome back to a NICE place for manics like yourself, and me mostly. It's been a relatively blog-fodder free month really, what with all the boring thats been going down. Uni, my mum and fighting over who left rotten food in the fridge most recently. I could tell you about my new game "Where is that smell in the fridge coming from?" but I don't want to disengage my large readership. You gotta connect with the people, talk to the man, pat the orange dog in time, you know the sayings. So I thought I'd bring back the blog-train with plenty more annoying analogies, catch phrases, euphemisms and other unnecessary ad-ons. And I want to get right into something we can all relate to, cyber lovin.

That's right, I know you're all doing it, or have done it or have at least thought about doing it. Internet dating, or nerd dating is becoming more and more accepted these days, but none-the-less is still totally uncool. If you're doing it you should feel like the biggest loser ever, it just comes with the territory. Being a former net-dater myself I feel like I have a few ranting words to give that I never really came to terms with a few months ago/were far too embarrassed by. However I have been re-inspired to vent on the issue thanks to a friend's recent venture into the sleazy online sex pits that we call dating sites.

As a girl, the first thing you realise about online dating is that you are the hottest babe on the planet, because everyone suddenly wants your body. This short lived high is soon dampened by the realisation that the ratio of men to women is about 1000 to 4 and that 955 of those men are "not quite right". As my anonymous net-dating friend put it, "there are like 3 normal guys out there (online) and then you date them and you realise that none of them where ever normal in the first place". That's right friends, people on the internet can be quite good at masking their psychotic side for up to two, maybe even three dates, which was long enough for my naive, anonymous friend to let them get very close indeed.

It can be good sadistic fun (if you're a girl) to post off-puting photos of yourself and really bizarre personality traits such as "chronic gambling" and "beating my 10 children with a stick" just to see who still tries to chat you up. It becomes clear after a short while that most guys aren't reading profiles anyway when you get a suspiciously generic message with something like,

"Hi there, I thought your profile seemed cool. I'm interested in getting to know more about you. I also enjoy your hobbies mentioned and that band you like is also really awesome to me. msn me on loserguy@hotmail.con"

See below: even photos like this will still get you laid online

On the lighter side of course there are the hilarious attempts at seduction via the art of "sexy profile writing." Another anonymous friend of mine told me that he checked out other guys profiles just to see what he was up against and was left buckling over in cringing laughter. There are a lot of unimpressive people out there with a lot of embarrassing things to say about themselves. I thought I might compile a little how-to-guide (or how-not-to-guide) for
the hairier sex. The girls really don't need any help, because if you're under 100 and have 20% of your teeth then you're pretty much guaranteed some sort of action.

How to Succeed in Online Dating: a guide for the modern gentleman.
First of all, don't choose a crap name. What's in a name you say? A dickhead by any other name may smell as sweet, but online the ladies won't think so. All she sees is a little thumbnail with Bazza29, Single, Straight.

My anonymous lady friend kindly provided a list of (real) internet names which may be used as examples to avoid...
Tinypaul72,
DOGOD,
DEVIL_INSIDE,
CAPTAINASSHAT,
WOLLYGATOR,
HOFF78 and
Impression4eva.
Captain Ass Hat may be popular at a Bucks party but most women won't want anything to do with him. And Devil Inside makes me think of all the STDs he didn't tell you about or maybe that he has some sort of psychotic problem. And Tinypaul72? My goodness and oh no for you! Although it is eye-rollingly dull when a guy boasts about his large penis, it really isn't necessary to tell us how small you reckon you are. I personally am unlucky enough to have had several men tell me how unimpressive in stature they were down there. Why does this keep happening to me? I can't possibly understand, but what I do know is that if you tell a woman that you're "tiny" then it's ALL WE CAN THINK ABOUT. And let me tell you, our imaginations come up with much worse interpretations of the real deal. So if it's small, don't emphasise the, ummm point. I really hope that there weren't 71 other Tinypauls!

However the one thing that all the aforementioned names did right was that none of them were really boring. Nobody will remember you if you're just another melbfunguy, melbguy, guy4u, hotguy226 or blueeyes109. Pick something that represents your hobbies, interests and personality, unless your hobbies and all that are really lame, then you should lie with something better. Like instead of pokemon_king try something like Tolstoy_gent or lone_lawfirm_manager. And never, ever try and give yourself a sexy name. Pussylicker69 is not an option, besides I think that one's taken.

When filling out all those boxes for hobbies, interests, looking for etc. don't be lazy. Even if you are just doing this as a joke/substitute for killing yourself, just at least pretend you're genuine. Leaving words like "stuff" and "whatever" in place of proper paragraphs makes us ladies think that you're A) retarded
B) infantile
C) Boring and
D) So incredibly lazy
Most of us would agree that these aren't the ideal qualities we look for in a guy.
Make sure you avoid listing more than two sporting activities in your interests and under no circumstances write "beer", "chicks" or "tv" anywhere.

The next mistake begins in the "about you" section. It goes something like this...

"I enjoy a night out partying but also like the cuddle up with someone special and watch a DVD"

I've seen this generic phrase regurgitated in many, many forms. Do not go here! It sounds like you're a alien pretending to be a human and feign human interests. And trust me, once girls suspect you're an alien you're pretty much done for.

Another important rule is spelling. Dictionary software is not that hard to obtain you know! It's such a turn off when a grown man writes you a message that looks like a Grade 3 essay. The same goes for using "text speak" in profiles and messages. I once came upon a man's profile that was written almost entirely in text speak, with missing letters, misspelled words and numbers pretending to be letters everywhere. Disgraceful!

That's all I have to say for now because Lappy (Svet's new laptop) is tired.
Happy cybering!