Svetie's Depths of Sleaze

Welcome to the sealed section of 'A Nice Place For Manics'. I saved lots of dirty stuff for his super voyeurism issue. Contents : Diary of a XXX wax, My new vibrator and pick up lines for jerks. For actual seal-ripping magazine effect tear a peice of A4 paper in half and start reading. Oh my God is that your mum behind you?



For those of you who may have wondered what a Brazilian wax felt like but have been too sensible to find out, I took the liberty of describing it in icky detail for you.
My visits usually go something like this…

- I walk into the waxing booth that looks something like an insane asylum with stark white walls and a white bed. A woman then asks me to take off my pants and underwear. “Aaaaghhhh!” I silently scream before she hands me towel that fastens around my waist. Phew I think, I won’t be naked after all.

- Then I’m instructed to lie back on the “bed”. The waxer lady asks me to open my legs (bending my knees so I look like some kind weird of frog creature) With the fluorescent lights beaming down on me and a strange woman between my legs I get really freaked out and suffer a temporary “lock leg” syndrome. She forcibly opens my legs as I consider making a dash for the door.

- I rest my hands on my stomach feeling it rise and fall rapidly because I’m so nervous, embarrassed and wimpy. I look down at my waxer and am thankful that I can only see the beginning of my towel and no further. She starts engaging me in boring small talk. I answer her questions politely and stutter as I feel her smear thick, hot wax on the outer parts of my bikini line.

- Ouch too hot! No wait….relaxing mmmmm (starts to fall asleep) Then I feel her fingernails picking at the edge of the wax that has cooled and stuck to me like a nice new layer of blue skin. Hey, hey what are you doing? Don’t do thaaaaaaaat RIPPING MOTION. Ouchy pain as I feel lots of little hairs scream out in shock. But the pain fades quickly and as soon as I start to forget about it she attacks me with tweezers and yanks out the odd hairs she missed. OUCHY FUCKING HELL I think, why does one hair hurt more than a wax strip of 20+ hairs?

- She begins to apply wax closer inwards and it’s amazing how disturbing this feels. Wax sticks into bits of you that you didn’t know wax could get to. It feels almost kinda perverted because the hot oozing wax reaches deep inside, is it weird to be turned on now? Yes I would think. By the time the wax has cooled and sealed over me I get really nervous because I know the relaxing bit is over and it’s ripping time. I engage her in small talk in the hope that this will delay her actions further. But she is not fooled, peeling at the edges she prepares to rip, I know this one is going to hurt because I can feel all my most tender, inner bits stuck in this one. I start to have horrible fantasies of her ripping so hard that she takes my organs with her.

- It does indeed feel as if she has taken not just my hair, but everything. OUCHY FUCKING CHRIST. My whole body flinches and I think to myself, “you crazy bitch I’ll take you out back and shoot you in the head just as soon as I get my strength back. No one will miss your mangled corpse you fucking fuck fuck!” The pain is like someone ironing sunburnt skin and simultaneously slapping it really hard. When it stops it fades and leaves you bruised, stinging and self pitying.

- Once shes done this to both sides and further assaulted my scorned flesh by yanking odd bits again with tweezers, she says “now we’ll do the back”. For you naïve little puppies; the ‘back’ means your arse. Gross as it may seem girls, theres actually hair there, I never noticed because I never really see myself on that angle (thank god). I’m instructed to hug my knees to my chest and I feel really really sorry for her as she peers down into the eye I never see through. Eeewwwwww. OK sorry. Anyway this is the weird bit…you’d think that having hairs pulled from your bum would hurt lots but it actually feels awesome. It’s like pulling a scab, its incredibly satisfying and rarely hurts enough for me to flinch and kick her in the head.

- Then she says in a happy voice “You’re done, it’s all over now” and you want to give her a hug or something. She hands you some moisturizer to rub into your sore pink self.
Afterwards you’re supposed to avoid hot showers, exfoliating, exercise and sun for the next two days.
So why do I do it you may ask? Because it feels great and makes sex better and makes underwear buying better. Seeing sex and underwear are actually my two favourite things then it makes it worth it. Otherwise I wouldn’t bother, $30 for 15 minutes of pain and embarrassment could be better spent on a pill, a tank of petrol or phone credit or a pair of Calvin Kliens.

Svetlana's First Vibrator
I'll admit that I copied a close friend of mine in my vibrator purchase, but friends who cum together stick together right? Hmm maybe that was a bit much. Anyway I bought this baby at my new favourite place Sexyland, where the staff actually know who I am now. I even checked out a new Sexyland with Alex just to see if it had anything I hadn't seen, I thought that maybe it would have to be different seeing it was 5 minutes north of the first Sexyland, on the same freaking road. But the only difference was that it was less well lit, kinda dirty and the guy carded us as we walked in. It crossed my mind how lame it was to be checking ID for girls buying vibrators. Is it not appropriate for teenage girls to have vibrators???? Crazy jerks. Anyway Alex and I ended up going back to Ol Faithful Sexyland to get my new friend.
What sold it to me?
- It was an amusing $69, also thats pretty cheap considering the others go into the $100-$200's!
-It was a normal size, not a "12inch chubby dong" "muffin masher" etc.
-It was curved for g spot funtimes
-It had clitoral stimulation
-Adorable love heart buttons (this was the most attractive selling point for my friend who reccomended it)
-Separte controls for the shaft and clitoral vibrations
-No wierd sea shells, animal parts or contorted tanned girls on the box.

I took it for a spin last night, wanna know how it went?
Firstly I was unsure how to clean something that said it wasn't water proof.
Then I was skeptical because i loved and trusted my own hands, this machine seemed wierd. But all i had to do was turn on the crit vibrations and i was sold. oooooooooooooh.
It did take a while to get the hang of because of so many angles and things going on at once and also that i had difficulty reaching properly (how lame am I?)
Eventually (about 20 minutes) I reached the desired reaction and was so excited i couldn't sleep, I wanted to take it out for dinner and a show.
So guys, have you been replaced? Na relax it's totally different to being with a real person, although I think it would be interesting to fuck both man and machine at once.
As my friend Alex told me, "A vibe can't tie you to the bed". It also can't kiss you, bite and lick you or whisper dirty things in your ear. Most importantly it can't hug you, I tried but it was wierd.

Im concluding this post with some of the worst pick up lines I've ever heard. If you have more to add, I would be delighted to hear them.
“You can do so much better than that” (points to male friend of mine)
“You’re the type of girl I wanna take home and fuck”
“Can I read your palm?”
“Do you have any sexual hang ups?”
“Yourrrrrr’e sexxxyyyy!!!” (massive slurring)
“You have this innocent aura and you’re trying to suppress it, but you shouldn’t cos its beautiful”
“My friends think you’re really cute, would you come home with us?”

Essays are Due, Therefore a New Post is Born

I'm doing it again...
listing the pros and cons obsessively.

• Can I tolerate living AT home?

• Am I too much of a pussy to move out?

I decided to weigh up the pros and cons of living in the family home, in this illustrated special (you lucky ducks)

Pro 1
Free board, rent, meals (awesome Jew food I might add)

Con 2
Your mum yells at you to take every job she sees advertised (check out chick, delivery boy, topless waitressing, scientific medicinal research participant etc), because she thinks that having two jobs + being a full time student isn't enough work already and you watch too much tv, have too much of a social life, have too much fun in general.

Pro 2
The only room that is ever reeking and unsafe is your own because your mum keeps a mean , clean house.

Con 2
When you get home your mum says
"Oh I didn't know you were coming home now, (Guilt tripping tone) thats ok I'll just work in the other room (in the snow on the rusty nails with the man eating tigers)."

When you go out your mum says in a whiny voice
"I never see you anymore. Where do you go? (as if you're leading some kind of mysterious double existence and you weren't just at Alex's eating vegie nuggets and watching 'Mean Girls')

Pro 3
Your mum's boyfriend gives you money behind your mothers back

Con 3
You brother and mother (on separate occasions) have both told you that they know what you sound like in bed. Your brother laughed and your mother cried.

Pro 4
Bizarrely enough, your Jewish mother buys you a gigantic Easter egg.


Con 4
If you look tired your little brother tells your mum that youre addicted to drugs. Your mum cries some more and then tells you how worried she is, and in order to keep you safe she wont give you any money ever again (so as not to fund your drug habit).

Pro 5
You come home after a weekend of drugs and the hangover makes you chilled and mellow. Your mum tells you how much you've improved since you have stopped "putting those horrible chemicals into your body".

Con 6
Your mum finds out all of your male friend's surnames and recites them after your first name over and over. Sometimes your brother chimes in.

Pro 7
Your mum tolerates the week when you scream bitterly at everyone, cry for no reason and eat an entire block of cooking chocolate.

Con 7
Your brother gets up really early for no reason and stomps up and down the hallway. And at the dinner table he makes these really annoying clicking sounds in your ear. Then sometimes he gets into these rants about music downloading programs and keeps talking even when you leave the room.

Pro 8
You can pretend to forget washing in the machine and your mum ends up hanging it out for you anyway.

Con 9
Your mum makes you watch "The Al Johnson Story". For those of you who don't know what it is then consider yourselves lucky.

Pro 10
There's this really cool new cordless phone that says the name of the caller in a funny mechanical voice. (But Mum made me delete "fuckface" from the contacts)

Con 10
If I had my own place then I could put a whole lot more crazy crap on the walls.










Thats about all for now, what do you guys think? Should I stay home or get the fuck out?