Babes in Toyland

The Plan was to go late night shopping at Sexyland, the place with the hilarious title thats open till midnight on Tuesdays. Though browsing for 'kink' late at night may not strike you as a particularly normal activity, Alex and I were cool with it. What we didn't expect was the evening to end in dragraces, sikh temples, ghost-trucks and a bunny in a quarry. The night of Tuesday the 21st of March went something like this...

9:55pm, Alex's House, Brunswick:
Alex answers the door. She is wearing a skin-tight blood red top and a super short skirt with over the knee red socks. I ask accusingly if she really thinks her outfit is suitable for Sexyland shopping, I mean everyone will have sex on the brain there so does she have to exacerbate things? The outfit doesn't seem to bother her but she gives me a death stare for saying 'Sexyland' so loudly in front of her parents.

Some minutes after 10, Svet's Car, Brunswick:
We've lost the address but we knew it was SOMEWHERE on the Hume HWY, hopefully somewhere before Sydney. As we drive and Alex tells me about the flowers she got today from some random boys in a car.
Svetlana: Where you wearing that outfit when they gave you the flowers?
Alex: Yes
Svetlana: Ah huh.

10:30ish, Sexyland, Fawkner:
We wander around the place, its absolutely huge; a big warehouse sized room lit up with fluorescent lights like a supermarket, minus the kids and old people and oh yeah all that stuff you have in a normal supermarket like food etc. Actually it wasnt really like a supermarket at all, we shouldve had trolleys that wouldve been cool, yeah trolleys! Sorry I got distracted, so anyways we started looking at the gigantic wall of vibrators and then the gigantic wall of lubricants, in fact everything seemed to be in a gigantic wall of some kind.

The vibrators interested me but I wasn't prepared to fork out $100 or so for something that isn't completely "satisfaction guaranteed" which I couldn't really be sure of as they wouldn't let you try the testers (Would you believe, isnt that what testers are for?)
I also thought the packaging on some of these vibes was really bizarre. What kind of girl is going to buy a vibrator for herself if it has a photo of some orange skinned, spaced porn star with her legs open and her back contorted on some really wierd angle? NOT ME!
Then there were the "girly" packaged ones all pink, purple and glittery. This resulted in monstrosities such as the "Fairy Princess" and then things incorporating bunnies and butterflies and beavers. I don't kow about you but I forbid all kinds of fairytale creatures or small animals going anywhere up my vagina.

I will give credit to this one brand of sex toys that did such a good job of disguising themselves that you didnt know whether to fuck them or give them out at a babyshower. They were so CUTE! I actually found myself squealing (much to the dismay of Alex) and then hugging them. I picked up this little pink cat face guy called "FlexiFelix" and started hugging him next to my cheek, a few seconds later I realised i'd just been cradling "anal beads" so I put Felix down and shuffled sheepishly away.

Somehow we managed to feel a little uncomfortable amongst the rows of porno, strap ons and gimp masks. This meant that we practically jumped out of our skins when the staff approached us. Every 10 mins it went someting like this...
Saleswoman: Hi guys can I help you with anything?
Alex/Svet: (muttering) Uh no thanks we're right.
Saleswoman: Well just let me know if I can help you with anything.
Alex/Svet: Ok, thanks (staring at floor and squirming)
Alex/Svet: (pondering) Crap we really could use some help....Ah! She's coming over again! Don't make eye contact!

11:45pm, 24hr McDonalds, Fawkner:
Alex's request for "just some fries" turned into a 'large quarter pounder meal no beef' so we found ourselves in the thick of teenage hoonsville. It was completely parked out with boys running amok in their baseball caps and tracksuits. I spotted a couple of girls but overall our gender seemed a dying breed at this food shack. As it turned out the drive-in option suited me best because there was no way I was getting out of the car. We could hear them whistling and geering at us through our closed windows and locked doors.

12:something O' clock, Hume HWY, Fawkner:
One Ninja Turtle toy and a large amount of post mix later we turn back onto the hwy only to find it swirling in dust. Tires screech and motors rev the crap out of themselves and Svet and Alex found themsleves in the middle of a drag race. On account of yours truly being too scared to change lanes, we were unable to turn around in the direction of home so we just kept driving north till we found ourselves somewhere rather desolate...

12:something something, Hume HWY, Seymour:
By the time the road was safe again we were in Seymour, a rather ironic name if you ask me, unless "less is more". In this case i guess it was because we got really adventurous and went exploring in some dark off road area. It wasnt so dark once i learned how to switch on my highbeams, then it wasn't too bad.

We looked up in awe at the unfinished Sikh temple we'd nearly driven into. The big moon glinting through the skeletal baubles on its roof. So awesome, we had to see more of Seymour! So we then decided to go speeding around the unlit backroads only to come to a screaming hault. I mean screaming on both senses because we were sooking like little babies as a gigantic truck pulled out before us. Because it seemingly pulled out of nowhere we decided that this was ideed a Ghost Truck. I frantically tried to reverse to allow room for Gigantor Ghost Truck to enter the measly peice of road we shared. As Ghosty revealed itself we cracked up laughing because he actually had no "truck" parts or carriage, he was just a ridiculous oversized head. It reminded me of those lizards that puff their heads up big to scare predators, sure scared the fuck out of us.

1:something in the am, Location unsure, Fawkner:
We were about to go home when Alex screeched "Loooook a bunny!!!" And as if we hadn't seen enough bunnies at Sexyland, we sped off in hot pursuit of the little thing. It was just to get a closer look, I mean when it seemed like we were mowing them down we were really pulling up short. They're so cute when they're scared. When one bunny got away, we spotted another and chased it (this went on way longer than it should've) until one bad bunny led us somewhere scary...

Alex cleared things up pretty quickly when she said "We're in a quarry you idiot".
We turned Madonna off the stereo only to hear and see absolutely nothing all around. Pitch black, dead silence. Our minds started to play tricks on us as we sat still in the car. Is that a rat? Is that a crazy quarry man? GET US OUT OF HERE WE ARE GOING TO DIE!!!!!
I'm not really sure how we'd both come to the conclusion that our lives were in danger but we were really scared all of a sudden and we sped out of there screaming. Pretty embarassing hey?

1:something still, Hume Hwy, Coburg:
On the way home, after we calmed down we decided that Seymour was awesome and we HAD to go back for another later night expedition. Any northside Melbounians are welcome to join us.

P.S. On our way home we got caught in yet another drag race. Woo go Moreland!

Some stuff you'd do if you were me

Welcome to the future in kid's entertainment.

This is 'Totally Spies!'



I found out about this kid's show because my best friend Alex is actually a very troubled, overgrown, consumerist kidult. When we were renting a movie the other day at the glamorous Video Eezy, Alex decided to buy two mini DVDs of a cartoon se'd never heard of. I'm guessing that the only reason she did this was because she didn't end up purchasing any ragged VHS copies of Sailormoon this is probably because she'd bought them all last week.

However Alex later informed me that she was actually buying 'Totally Spies' because one of the spies was also called Alex. I agreed that this was indeed a very good reason and congratulated her on her purchase.

After all, just last weekend I let a strange guy take drugs in the back seat of my car because his name was also Alex. And a couple of weekends earlier I hugged this girl and clinged to her arm all night because her name was also Alex... and she thought I just liked her pffft!

Anyway we watched these 'Totally Spies' DVDs with great anticipation and found a whole lot more than we bargained for. Totally Spies or Totally Skanks?I just had to pause it and take some stills for your blog viewing perverse pleasure.

So apart from pausing cartoons in such a way that they look dirty, there are lots of other interesting things you can do with your time...
Sunday Night for example I went to 'Pharmacy', this big rave shebang at The Metro. It was awesome apparently, but I couldn't tell you because I dont' remember much.

Here is how you would've seen the night if you were Svetlana...

• You hop into your comically small Mazda and speed aggressively down Rathdowne St to to pick up rave buddies Seb and Blair who've been angriliy waiting for some time.

• Once you've picked up everyone and arrived at the Bourke St carpark you wait for ages and ages for the cue of cars in front to move. Seb and Blair explain to you that these cars are actually parked cars. You feel dumb and drive around them.

• You get scared that your arms are too short to reach to ticket box, then you are worried that you car will fall off the steep ramps. Then you take a really long time parking and hitting the wall.

• You get to Metro, HOORAY! It's crowded and loud and everybody is looking anxious and edgy waiting for their pills to kick in. Some extremely happy young man sits next to you and tells you how amazing he feels. You consider strangling him.

(Pictured here are Party Skanks Seb and Blair at Metro)

• After what seems like forever, your drug contacts work out and you make a big show of eating it as publicly as you can because it makes Blair nervous.

• You're jealous that Waxie is such a good dancer, you decide its better if you dance next to someone shit. Like the G heads.

• You shouldn't have taken a whole pill, you just got lost standing still. Your thoughts are going a million miles an hour backwards and you're grateful that you haven't felt the need to articulate these thoughts.

• Dancing dancing dancing sweating sweating sweating. Mmmm breathing feels like sex.

• People (possibly your friends) take you for a walk. You chew on their hands then you chew on your car seat. Why did't I know that this felt so good? You wonder.

• Noss time in the car. Pins and needles all over and tin can sounds. Where'd you go just now and why are they laughing at me? you think.

• Random message time you think! Oh no reply...maybe it's later than you thought. (actual time 6am)

• Blair sends you on a dangerous and embarassing mission to ask randoms for drugs. You ask one guy, the guy in front of you. He instantly puts three little happy pills in your hand. They are called 'pink sex' and they are just that.

• Why did you take the whole thing? Now you've sped up time again. The Metro starts to close. Was I just here for 8 hours? Dammit what happened? Was it good? I hope it was, I was there.

• You get home somehow and your friends seem to have gotten on their way too. Hey you found an extra rib! You smell like bitter smoke and B.O., your mouth tastes like a small animal crawled in there to die. Somehow you've accumulated a mild form of lock-jaw.

What a great night!

I'll leave you with images from my saturday afternoon in the park on March 11th. It was my friend Ye olde's birthday and we celebrated by picnicing and gassing oursleves.