Maybe I'm just old fashioned (or just naive) but it seems that I'm
completely out of touch as to what constitutes a relationship these days. When you were a teenager it was pretty easy; some weedy, horny boy asked you out and you spent a few weeks watching him play playstation until you both realised that maintaining a relationship was boring and hard/ he kissed your best friend/ he wouldn't go to the formal with you.
Nowadays you have to act really chilled out all the time because it isn't cool if it isn't CASUAL. Both parties should ideally present themselves as if they were permanently wired to a Valium drip, a far away gaze in their eyes and an occasional shrug of one shoulder just to let you know they're "cool with like, whatever."
As I'm sure most young love puppies of today are aware of, there are some basic rules to staying cool and oh so casual. Don't ask your partner if they're sleeping with anyone else. Don't ask them if they love you and definitely don't ever invite them to any family functions. Simple. Or is it?
If nobody is talking about anything then how do we really know who (or what) we are dating?
For example, Emily and Daniel are "seeing each other"...They both enjoy hot sex and fine dining with the occasional movie chucked in. But Emily is also seeing Anton and made out with some guy called Ben at Eurotrash last weekend. Daniel on the other hand has already told his mum about Emily and is planning a Valentines Day trip to the zoo. He just knows Emily will love it. Mmmm dysfunctional.
There are too many Emilys and Daniels around these days.. I don't think people should be so worried about putting someone off by stating their intentions. But hey, it's easier said than done. We all want people to like us and if that requires pushing the truth a little or just blind neglect of your own integrity then so be it. I've been in a couple of "casual" relationships" where I have hunted down the competition with a stanley knife and a bottle of tequila under my arm. No I'm just kidding, it was Vodka. Ok I'm really kidding, I just whined about it to my friends until they went and got knives and Vodka.
So...are we, like, going out now? It's hard to know when you're official. It's easy enough to know that you're not when you find your little sex monkey in a tree with someone else, but what if you don't catch them? Do you question them about whether fun-times in the vines is a possibility? And what about open trees? I mean open relationships. What does that even mean? "I'm totally committed to you, but you know, not in any real sense."
Casual is more complicated now than ever (I believe) because it is no longer just a matter of not holding hands when you walk down the street or hooking up with people on the side. And being IN a relationship isn't determined anymore but by the fact that you might live with someone else (in their bed) or share their toothbrush. It means different things for everyone. Each person has their own frustratingly complex code for commitment. For some guys its paying for your dinner, for others it's paying for your plane ticket to Sydney so you can meet their family.
My code is so fucked up that not even I truly understand it. However I managed to decipher a few key points, for those of you who are dying to know. I know you're out there!
Svet's Code O' Commito: some signs to look for
- I let you meet my friends...over and over again.
- I let you choose the movie
- I maintain a higher than normal level of grooming (for at least the first few weeks)
- I let you sleep over
- I invite you to future events (more than one week away)
- I don't see anyone else
:I don't actually TRY to be monogamous, I just know that when it comes naturally to me that I'm seeing the right guy. That's correct, my infidelity is about You... not me.
That's pretty much all I can come up with bar the complicated emotional and psychological milestones. Basically if a guy thinks, "wow she's really fucking with my head, I'm confused." Then chances are I like you lots;)
Everyone has their own commitment code and no matter how much Cosmo you read, you're not going to figure it out unless you do that thing, what's it called? Communication?
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2 comments:
This post subject is exactly what's taking up way to much of my head space at the mo - and my head space is limited and special, like tickets to the Police concert.
I'm with you all the way on this and i have to admit i hate the C word - i'm really bad at communicating with guys i actually like about important relationship stuff (like 'are we actually in a relationship here? And if so what kind of relationship?'). I think it's a rejection thing, it's fine if i don't like them, but if i do i can't risk finding out they don't like me as much.
I think i will take a leaf out of your book Svettie and write up my own code o' commito and stick it to the roof above my bed. That way i won't have to bring it up at all, they can just read it for themselves.
Thanks for the session Svet, i now feel much better. Same time next week?
Kisses
Hee hee, such a timely, humorous and relevant blogpost Svet. Gold star award. In todays work-a-day world who indeed knows what the hell is going on with relationships. Until you both get drunk and let it all come out that is.
I agree with you on the monogamy front in that when it comes naturally, the partner in question is doing something right. If not, they're on the couch and I'll snuggle up to my Rabbit..
ahem.
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