No more summer hummers for Svet

Now I'm not the type to jump on retail-boom trendy bandwagons but...
I do secretely like juice bars and thats not cos I get off on rancid grass puree (wheatgrass) or placebo powder (various boosters) or that I think that drinking over-processed juice will keep me healthy and improve quality of life. It's cos, for $4 I can pretend I'm an astronaut because I get myself one of those smoothy-type thingys and I drink half and feel like I have eaten a gigantic unusually chilled, liquid meal. Astronauts always eat shit like that. Its awesome-o when you're aimlessly wandering the streets of melbourne and need something you can hold in one hand, with a secure Svet-proof lid and a delightful foam cup that I can scratch pictures into when get bored, its way easier to carry than my Magna Doodle.
I remember six months ago I was standing on Swanston street, I was craving my portable Magna Doodle, Astronaut lunch, I turned to my left and I spied a "juice" vendor across the road and then I looked to my right and there was another not 50 metres down the road, then I had to move because I was standing in the doorway of another one. I walked cheerfully along after I'd purchased my smoothy from one of six billion chains and I noticed all around me signs sprawling words like Vibrant, Energy, Healthy, Fun, New etc. It twas the JUICE REVOLUTION, suddenly I felt a little embarrassed and tried to hide my gigantic, flurescent cup.

Skip forward in time (do you have your time travel hats on?) back to today and I was searching for my usual sellout-loser-juice fix and I noticed that I had to walk three blocks instead of two metres before I came across a faux-juice vendor. Holly crap! I finally found myself at a Boost Juice the size of a shoe box opposite a 'Feeling Fruity' that was closed down for good. I think I'm going to have to give up this juice thing if the only place left to go is Shoe-box-land and I get embarrassed saying dumb rhyming names like "rasberry relief" of "summer hummer" (remember alex?). But the worst thing about Boost juice, the absolute thing that has made me throw in the foam cup and walk away is...
That smarmy fucker on the poster! He's that beefy jerk-face, smiling a "playful smile" but he really just looks like someone who'd rape your under-age sister in a laneway outside Spylounge and then tell everybody she was a frigid bitch. I had to look at his stupid fucking face for ages while I was waiting for my juice because it was too crowded in the shoe-box to turn my head in any other direction. This guy represents everything that I hate about Australia, with his gleaming pearly whites, just the "right" amount of body hair that is socially acceptable for a hetero-sexual male, and bulging tanned biceps probably to make up for the lack-there-of in his badly faded Jeans West jeans. I wanted to throw my summer hummer all over his box-jawed face but I'm sure that if he'd actually been there he wouldve already been throwing his hummer all over my face. Did I go too far? Yes, yes I did.